Barry Bonds announces his retirement from Major League Drug Use

In a spectacle more appropriate for a boxing promotion or a 50 Cent concert, baseball legend, and future DEA Hall of Fame member, Barry Bonds announced his retirement from professional drug use this afternoon. Bonds (shown here with his trainer, Freddy "the Rat Fink Bastard" Bertollucci) spoke today before a packed crowd of sports reporters. Bonds, who is usually so standoffish to reporters, really let them have it today. "Many people have told me that my record is fixed, that I didn't really hit those home runs by myself. I tell you this much: people who say that can kiss my motherf***ing black ass."

While most of the reporters were somewhat taken aback by his comments, this brave reporter dared to ask Bonds some hard questions. When I asked him if he'd taken any performance enhancing drugs in the past, he responded in the affirmative "Hell, yeah. Damn straight. I'd do it all again too." When pressed about how his comments seemed to contradict one another, the superstar said "Atheletes have always been looking for ways to punch up the game. How many of you remember baseball before they put up the outfield fence? Back in the day [editor's note: 1883 in historical terms] motherf***ers were always hitting that damned ball as far as it could go and some lanky bastard always got it and threw them out at third. How many home runs could they have hit back then if they'd had that fence? I tell you this much, that fence is sports enhancing."

Pressed to explain his answer again, Bonds again refered to historical precedence: "You guys remember the game before the bat came along. When the crowd heard that old familiar snap, it was usually the batter's forearm that had broken in two. I tell you what, the introduction of the bat really threw a wrench in Larry "Forearms" White's home run record of five from 1856. Is that enhancing? I think it is. So what's a little shot in the ass, when you look at all of the other changes that have happened in the game?"

Commentators far and wide have focused on his last comments. Noted baseball historian George Will (shown below with his posse) said that "While Barry Bonds' record for home runs in a single season might stand, I think when people see it they will always see it with an asterisk, next to the track marks on Bonds' ass."

Bonds finished the conference by saying he will give up drugs for his last season and will donate a case of steroids to a local high school athletics program every time he hit one out of the park. Of course without drugs, he might turn into just another Sad Sack like Mark McGwire or Sammy Sosa.