Pavoratti killed in Operation Fat Lady Sings

Coalition forces today announced that they have finally killed Lucianno Pavoratti, the Italian menace who has plagued our ears for some many years. Pavoratti was a leading member of the Axis of the Three Tenors, a group known for its butchering of Christmas songs, popular standards of the 1950's and the occasional Celine Dion classic.

President Bush's spokesman, Tony Snow, announced in a press conference that the other two tenors were still on the run, but cornered. "We believe Plácido Domingo is in the hills overlooking Verona and José Carreras is in Monaco." Monaco's new prince said that these rumors are unfounded. "We believe opera should be wiped out throughout the world; we are not supporting their loud, shrilly noises." Most experts believe he is just trying to avoid a confrontation with the Coalition of the Unwilling to Listen to any more Opera, which is led by the United States.

French troops have been placed on high alert along their two mile border with the city-state in case José Carreras tries to come into their territory either for refuge or for some duty free shopping. President Bush has sent a telegram to leaders of both France and Italy telling them he will keep supporting their efforts on this against the tenorists.

These versus' movies have gone too far!

First we had "Jason vs. Freddy" and then it was "Alien vs. Predator", but I think Hollywood has finally gone too far. Mel Gibson announced last week that he will be directing "Braveheart vs. Jesus", scheduled for a Christmas 2007 release. I think that is a little too much. Am I wrong?

When I heard the story, however, I became a little more intrigued. How can William Wallace defeat a man who just won't stay dead? It might turn out to be the biggest battle since King Kong took on Godzilla.

Then today Sony Pictures announces it will soon be releasing "Titanic vs. Poseidon"! It seems like all of the studios know a good thing when they see it. This is going to be more like a demolition derby movie. I can see the tagline now "In the world of oceanic chicken, one of these ships is going to blink." I think Poseidon definitely has the advantage in this one, unless Titanic uses the drunk Irish in its lower decks to its advantage, then it could be anyone's ballgame.

But I will tell you something I am going to be the first in line for both of them. Of course I will just buy my "Braveheart vs. Jesus" ticket at church. My heart is definitely going on and on for these two.