Things I wish I had have made up 1

Found this interesting story on yahoo.

Romanian club exchanges defender for large lump of meat
Mon Feb 27, 9:52 AM ET
Romanian second division soccer club UT Arad sold a player in exchange for 15 kilograms of meat, local sport daily Pro Sport reported on Monday.
However, fourth division Regal Horia made a bad deal because defender Marius Cioara decided to end his footballing career and take off to Spain to find a job in agriculture or construction.
"We are upset because we lost twice - firstly because we lost a good player and secondly because we lost our team's food for a whole week," a Regal Horia official was quoted as saying by the daily in its electronic edition.

Landlord wanted

Due to the untimely demise of our landlord Mr. Ralph Furley, we have the following advertisement to post:

Apartment available. Lovely two bedroom can now be yours. In lieu of rent you should expect to fix the pipes of the two ladies and one man living upstairs. Also you might be expected to post "Wet Paint" and "Caution Slippery" signs along the walkway leading to the apartments, since in the past the lack of these has led to many accidents. All medical expenses will be covered in the position.

Occasional high-jinx are required, but no heavy lifting. You should have ample time to enjoy a lovely evening or two at the Regal Beagle next door. Please apply in person. Those who have a problem with alternative lifestyles and bad backs should not apply. Come and knock on our door, we'll be waiting for you.

Countries, Territories, assorted rare states I have visited 5

Amsterdam, Summer 1982. I was only 16, if you know what I mean. I was on the way to Denmark. My father had lymphoma and it looked like it was his "farewell tour". But my father wasn't going to throw in the towel just yet. On the way to Denmark to meet my grandmother and father (who was there looking for cancer treatments not available in America) I had a layover in the Amsterdam airport. I had never been to an airport that sold cars before. I was amazed. How could the Netherlands be this cool? I saw this airport one more time, in 2004. Since 1982 I have been all over the world. The Amsterdam Airport hasn't changed much. There is now a museum and a nice book shop. I didn't notice the Casino in 1982, must be new. Someday I must leave that airport and see the rest of the Netherlands.

Countries, Territories, assorted rare states I have visited 4

Kids do the darnedest things. For instance, in 1975, I went to Canada. I had no choice really. My father put me on the plane and off we went. It wasn't much of a trip really, just a stopover on the way to Denmark. We didn't even get off the plane. I only got to look out the window and see the darkened tarmac in Montreal. It wouldn't be until 1996 that I made a proper trip to Canada, to Vancouver (they have one too). I discovered that Canadians are very similar to normal people. They watch Seinfeld, drive on the right side of the road and they even speak English. But it seems like every newscast starts off with something about hockey. They really like hockey in Canada. When I grew up my mother told me that hockey means cow manure. I guess there must be a lot of farmers in Canada if they spend that much time talking about hockey. I guess that's how they grow all of that Canadian bacon and maple syrup. God bless the farmers of Canada.

Barry Bonds announces his retirement from Major League Drug Use

In a spectacle more appropriate for a boxing promotion or a 50 Cent concert, baseball legend, and future DEA Hall of Fame member, Barry Bonds announced his retirement from professional drug use this afternoon. Bonds (shown here with his trainer, Freddy "the Rat Fink Bastard" Bertollucci) spoke today before a packed crowd of sports reporters. Bonds, who is usually so standoffish to reporters, really let them have it today. "Many people have told me that my record is fixed, that I didn't really hit those home runs by myself. I tell you this much: people who say that can kiss my motherf***ing black ass."

While most of the reporters were somewhat taken aback by his comments, this brave reporter dared to ask Bonds some hard questions. When I asked him if he'd taken any performance enhancing drugs in the past, he responded in the affirmative "Hell, yeah. Damn straight. I'd do it all again too." When pressed about how his comments seemed to contradict one another, the superstar said "Atheletes have always been looking for ways to punch up the game. How many of you remember baseball before they put up the outfield fence? Back in the day [editor's note: 1883 in historical terms] motherf***ers were always hitting that damned ball as far as it could go and some lanky bastard always got it and threw them out at third. How many home runs could they have hit back then if they'd had that fence? I tell you this much, that fence is sports enhancing."

Pressed to explain his answer again, Bonds again refered to historical precedence: "You guys remember the game before the bat came along. When the crowd heard that old familiar snap, it was usually the batter's forearm that had broken in two. I tell you what, the introduction of the bat really threw a wrench in Larry "Forearms" White's home run record of five from 1856. Is that enhancing? I think it is. So what's a little shot in the ass, when you look at all of the other changes that have happened in the game?"

Commentators far and wide have focused on his last comments. Noted baseball historian George Will (shown below with his posse) said that "While Barry Bonds' record for home runs in a single season might stand, I think when people see it they will always see it with an asterisk, next to the track marks on Bonds' ass."

Bonds finished the conference by saying he will give up drugs for his last season and will donate a case of steroids to a local high school athletics program every time he hit one out of the park. Of course without drugs, he might turn into just another Sad Sack like Mark McGwire or Sammy Sosa.

That's Mr. Redneckerson to you, City boy

My friend Shane sent me a few things that a Southerner would never, ever say. Since I am an escapee from the Redneck Asylum, I will pass them along.

TOP 30 THINGS THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:
30. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.
29. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
28. Duct tape won't fix that.
27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
26. We don't keep firearms in this house.
25. You can't feed that to the dog.
24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
23. Wrestling is fake.
22. We're vegetarians.
21. Do you think my gut is too big?
20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy. 19. Honey, we don't need another dog.
18. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?
17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
16. Too many deer heads detract from the décor.
15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
14. Trim the fat off that steak.
13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
12. The tires on that truck are too big.
11. I've got it all on the C: DRIVE.
10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
09. My fiancée, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
08. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
07. Checkmate
06. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
05. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen. 04. I don't have a favorite college team.
03. You Guys.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:
01. Nope, no more for me. I'm driving!

United States Secretary of Education Rod Paige announces new Bush initiative: Some Children Will Be Left Behind

In a move that surprised no one, Secretary of Education Rod Paige announced today that some students are just, in the Secretary's own words, "Too damned dumb not to be left behind." While many experts have been wondering for weeks when this policy would officially be announced, the timing itself, coinciding as it does with National Garbageperson's Day, surprised even the most hardened Beltway insider. According to Secretary Paige, "Test scores have dropped, shoelaces have been replaced with velcro and paint eating and glue sniffing has gone way, way up. The increases in underage pregnancy, murder and truancy has increased so fast that the Administration had to go out and buy a new chart. And you guys know how big our charts are."

The President, Vice President, First Lady, Former Presidents Carter, Ford, Bush and Clinton weren't available for comment, though most experts weren't surprised by this lack of communication, since all of them, according to one anonymous source, "graduated from high school, and think they are too good to talk about this issue." President Nixon and Reagan were also not available for comment, since they are both dead, even if most of America's school children have yet to figure this out. "Some of the textbooks in many of America's classrooms still show that Roosevelt is president, which wouldn't be so bad, if it wasn't Teddy Roosevelt I was talking about," said one frustrated administator. "Because of our lack of proper textbooks, kids aren't able to tell you much about American History, except maybe who the Teddy Bear is named after," he continued.

So what's next? Secretary Paige didn't elaborate. However the Secretary of the Army informed reporters that they were always looking for a few young men and women. And, best of all, he added "All of those tricky letters and numbers aren't needed."

News Flash: Japanese Prime Minister rules out negotiating with Godzilla led Monster Island government

While many of the world's hot spots have cooled in the last few years, one of the world's oldest conflicts flared up again this evening when the Godzilla led coalition won in a major landslide on Monster Island. Political observers believed that the coalition would have a chance at winning about 30 percent of the seats, so everyone was surprised when Godzilla and his allies won an amazing 78 percent of seats in the Monster Island Lower House of Parliament, no one more so than Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi, who spoke to this reporter through his spokesman. "The Prime Minister is obviously upset by these events. At present we are looking at all options in dealing with this crisis," the spokesman added.

At present these options include cutting all aid to the island, which has been under Japanese military controll since 1954, when Japan first defeated Godzilla. "Many Japanese people still remember the attacks on Tokyo. We were just recovering from the Pacific War, and here comes a giant irradiated lizard, trying to tell us what to do."

Since 1994, Japan and Monster Island have tried to come up with a lasting peace. In the late 1990's the Mothra led government reached out to the citizens of Japan and promised a new and brighter future. However sporatic attacks by the Monster Island Liberation Organization (MLO), have left many Japanese worried that there could be no peace between the two Pacific neighbors.

In an earlier statement, before the election, Koizumi asked the various monsters who reside on the island to think about peace before placing their votes. "The Japanese people will always consider Godzilla a terrorist, no matter how often he says he has changed. It seems like he is attacking us or planning on attacking us, every two years, during the summer holidays. When one thinks of all of the train lines that he has destroyed, electricity towers he has toppled and of all the hospitals he has stepped on, one wonders how anyone could even consider voting for him or any of his allies."

So for now it looks like there will only be continued tensions in the Pacific Rim. This reporter will continue to report on this story as events upfold.

New Orleans' Mayor Ray Nagin to the Philippines: "God loves us more than you."

While Mayor Ray Nagin might be half a world away from the suffering in the Philippines, he still understands the power of nature. But in comments that some feel were insentive to the suffering of others, the Mayor today said that "God loves New Orleans much more than the Philippines." While stunned reporters and handlers looked on, the Mayor continued by saying: "Look, I know this sounds crass, but the evidence clearly supports my claim." Nagin's handlers tried to clear the reporters from the room at this point, but after several reporters asked the Mayor for clarification, he let them have it. "Look here, the Philippines is mostly Catholic, full of prostitutes, and by the pictures I have seen is a real chocolate country, though more of a milk chocolate, you might even say more like a milky tea. They have all of these things in common with New Orleans. Sure we had some tiles slide off the Super Dome and a bit of water damage, but they had complete mountains sliding off their sides. The Bible says that God can move mountains, so I can tell you this much: God sure is mad at the Philippines."

After these final comments the Mayor was led out of the auditorium. While the Mayor's comments might have surprised many in the crowd, at least one theologian, the Reverend Pat Robertson, agreed with the Mayor. "I believe the mayor might have stumbled upon a bit of truth here," the Reverend said. "I mean, God obviously can't worry about punishing school boards, sodomites and New Yorkers all of the time. Sometimes He has to show His glory and anger to all of the world. Let's just say, God's focus is a little more international than your local paper or FOX news."

While other theologians have yet to comment on either Mayor Nagin's statements or those of Reverend Robertson, one suspects that they will in the near future.

Countries, Territories, assorted rare states I have visited 3

This entry chronicles my big move to the former Confederate States of America. That occured in 1969. I think the Band was singing "The Night they drove ole Dixie down" at this point. We moved from California to a house in Tennessee without a proper toilet. We had a good time though. We picked blackberries and ate cobbler. We went down to the creek and got watercress. We had a dog named "Girl." My grandfather lived with us, and he would sneak off and drink beer. He would often bring me a Dr. Pepper though, so I forgave his funny beer-smell. This stamp celebrates this former country. The sign speaks for itself.

Countries, Territories, assorted rare states I have visited 2

Denmark, 1967. We flew off from California to see my grandparents. I was two. I don't remember much but good feelings since they were both so nice. It was my first time out of the USA. I enjoyed it a lot. Denmark felt good, like home. I was able to visit Denmark again three more times, in 1973, 1975 and 1982. I guess I need to go back and visit. Recently I found out that I could have had a Danish passport if I had have only applied in time. D'oh!

Countries, Territories, assorted rare states I have visited 1

Today's country is the United States of America. It was the first country I ever visited. I just happened to be born there in 1965. I guess I am lucky really. I could have been born in Calcutta, Kimpala or Des Moines. I really didn't choose where I landed, unless of course I did. Then I will have to thank the Hindu gods above for perching me where they did. This stamp was issued the year of my birth. The theme of Dante makes sense as well, since my mother's name is Beatrice.

Jesus is Magic

I have definitely got to see this movie since it stars my favorite Jewish uber-girl Sarah Silverman. She jokes: "When you've got AIDS, make it lemonAIDS." And un-pc to boot. Or do you boot pcs?
ConfusED.

The Flying Sketty monster

Today I got to teach about the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Okay, you ask yourself, what type of school are you teaching in? Well actually it was a lesson for Philosophy and the role of government in education. If you are confused, you should be. But if you go online to this site, you might be less confused. (http://www.venganza.org) I have included a photo from the site as well. Hopefully no one got too scared.
If you are wondering about the title, my sister used to call spaghetti "sketty."

Brokeback for kids

i still haven't seen Brokeback Mountain (this being Kuwait and all), but I see that there is already a comic book version of it. Hopefully it will get pass the censors.

and Robin

Robin doesn't look too happy either.

Holy Sheet Batman

just something to look at to pass the time.

Is the world round?

today i taught someone the world was round. i was in starbucks in kuwait and an older kuwaiti gentleman started asking me questions. he had just seen the movie big mamma 2 and wanted to ask me a few questions. mostly he wanted to know some words, liked grand (for a thousand), buck (for one dollar), jacked (like in car jacked), and what AP and SAT meant. then he started asking me geography questions. he wondered why the caribbean sea was a sea when sure it was attached to an ocean. he wondered where antartica was. finally he asked me what would happen if you walked south from canada. i explained that you would come to the USA and Mexico, but before I could go to far he stopped me. "No," he queried, "would you circle the world this way?" He really wasn't aware that you could circle the world, that the world was round. After I explained that you could go around the world, he seemed amazed. I found this fascinating. Moments like this are what I live overseas for.

things i hate

things i hate:
1. grading: i have some papers to grade in a few minutes. maybe i will go to starbuck's.
2. meetings: just finished one. it went nowhere. i am a really nowhere man.
3. waiting for summer: i have nice apartments picked out already and am ready to start my course. so why can't i start it tomorrow instead of arriving in the city of lights on the 19th of june?
4. time: why is there never enough of it when i am sleeping and way too much of it when i am trying to teach?
5. stupidity: where oh where did you put your brain?
i have run out of things to say.
jeff

That Michael J. Fox is something else

i thought this was kind of funny. it was a good job at editing together a parody: http://gorillamask.net/bbf.shtml
haven't seen the original. don't forget i am in Kuwait.
Jeff

let's be fair

in all fairness i am still figuring this out.

first timer

03 February 2006
My first blog. So 21st century. I guess I really should buy a computer at some point so I can write this at home. Today is a day of great wonder. I need to get home, eat chili with rice and watch football. The African Nations Cup will be on soon. That's why I pay the extra for the cable. And I must grade. I hate grading.
Cheers